Guy Fawkes Night Happens, but the Gunpowder Plot didn't...Things that almost Happened

Guy Fawkes Night is a strange celebration. First of all, we’re all quite happy to put together the likeness of a man, and then watch him burn on a big bonfire. We all know we’ve got a violent past as a species and as previous rulers of a vast empire the British have a bloody past, but the passive manner in which we enjoy something technically meant as quite bloodthirsty shows just how well the press throughout time have managed to turn people against others (today that’s the Daily Mail’s job).

But the focus of this isn’t the disturbing nature of this celebration, but the simple fact that this is an evening in memory of something that DIDN’T HAPPEN. Guy Fawkes along with a merry band of other Catholics, tried to blow up the Houses of Parliament to throw the country into entire chaos so as to be able to go to their own mass, and to lose the constant threat of death for their faith, BUT THEY DIDN’T. And I suppose this night isn’t a celebration as such of that not happening, it’s not even a celebration of the people who foiled the plot, it’s just an excuse to burn things (oh hello primal instincts), look at some pretty lights and get drunk.

So, in honour of this baffling night that has a vague commemoration of a historical event, here are a few other events in time that almost happened, but didn’t; whether we should celebrate them or not is a major pub chat conversation starter.

Check point Charlie

The Berlin Wall was a hindrance to many, but it wasn’t supposed to affect the comings and goings of American Allies and Soviet Personnel. On October 22 1961, an American Ambassador was asked for more identification than the agreement with the Soviets required. The Americans decided to escort their Deputy Chief over the border with four tanks. The Soviets responded by sending four of their own tanks to the border on the Eastern Side. This became a numbers game until each side has 10 tanks pointing at each other, making this the only direct stand off of the cold war. If either made a move to fire, or bring down the wall this would be the story of how World War Three started. John F. Kennedy however, had a man behind the scenes talk to Khrushchev and say, “if you back off, we’ll back off.” Khrushchev agreed, moving the Soviet ten feet back, followed in suit by the Americans until eventually they were all gone from the Checkpoint. World War Three-almost happened, but didn’t.

638 ways to kill Castro

Most unsuccessful assassination attempts ever, though top marks for creative ideas. Going beyond just hiring anyone from CIA, hitmen, and the mafia to shoot him ideas considering angry ex girlfriends, poisonous face creams, putting skin diseases in his diving suit when he scuba dived, to hiding explosives in particularly interesting looking molluscs the CIA have tried it all. The most famous, though equally unsuccessful, has to be the exploding cigars. Known for his love of Cohíba cigars, the CIA set about putting botulinum toxin into them and passing them off as a gift, whereupon lit they would explode. They never got to him, and Castro gave up smoking in 1985. 638 almosts, not even a close did.

Claus Von Stauffenberg (Not Tom Cruise) and Operation Valkyrie

For those of you who haven’t seen the Cruise fest that is Valkyrie and never paid attention to history, the assassination attempt on Hitler in 1944 by Claus Von Stauffenberg and other rebel Nazis was a big failure. But, let’s give the guy some credit. He had one working eye, and three fingers and the consequence of a pissed off Hitler looming over him, and he managed to convince many a Nazi to consider joining his side, prep a bomb to explode, carry a suitcase filled with said explosives (not the weight of a MacBook Air for sure) and then blag his way not only out of the room in which he’d placed the bomb but out of the enclosure altogether, after the bomb exploded. Dude had some skillz. Still, he managed to place the briefcase in prime position next to a wooden block of table that protected Hitler from the initial blast and therefore waste a perfectly set up plan. Hitler killed himself under a year later so the end result finally occurred but not as planned. So this counts as an almost, but didn’t.

Alexandra Rochester