How to Not Lose Limbs on Guy Fawkes Night

So its Guy Fawkes Night, filled with many a pretty colour in the sky and yet another excuse to get completely bladdered. Last thing you want though, is to wake up once again, groggy and in a strange bed next to a random person, except this time realising you’re in hospital with both arms and half a leg missing because some git thought it would be funny to wave around a lit firework. Okay, so maybe a little exaggeration there but accidents do happen, so here are a few fool proof tips to stop yourself becoming known as that idiot who blew their own arms off.

If you’re going to be the one setting off fireworks, I’m afraid you’re gonna have to be the teetotal loser, and although it may seem a ‘good idea at the time’ for everyone to get wasted and set off a bunch of fireworks, if you like your face the way it is, then you will heed my advice-no alcohol!
Now, there is also always going to be that ‘special’ friend of yours who wants the closer look at the pretty colours, so the best thing to do here, is to either force them into a drunken stupor and wait until they pass out or tie their hands to their ankles and watch them try to reach for their pint. Safe and free entertainment.
Also, the quality of fireworks you purchase will depend on how much of a cheapskate you are. So, if you’re the one with the tight purse strings who then picks up the shite batch, which refuse to go off, still do not approach them once lit. They may still explode, and that just means bits of your face will fly everywhere and there will be more vomit around than necessary. However, you can buy fireworks more cheaply in supermarkets such as Tesco or Sainsbury, so if you’re still planning your own night of (safe) explosions, head over to the Metro, in Cowley or into town. There is also the website A40 Fireworks at http://helpmedoit.co.uk/index.php selling high-quality fireworks that has a shop in Abingdon, so check out the website if you're interested.

However, if like most sane people (including me) you’re reading this thinking sod this, I’m not sacrificing my looks and limbs for the sake of some shitty fireworks, or if you just fancy seeing some pretty lights in the sky. Head over to the annual Oxford Roundtable Fireworks Display atSouth Parks, Headington on Saturday 7th November, where there will be shitloads of fireworks with minimal risk to your health, and to top it off you can see a 26ft ‘Ice Princess’ being set alight...sweet. Its £6 on the night or £5 for an advance ticket, opening at 5pm, so if you think it’s gonna be your thing, check out http://www.oxfordfireworks.co.uk/#/the-2009-event/4535978295 for some more info.

Fionn Maclauchlan