A Day in the Life...of a Hall Supervisor

0600hrs – Awoke in an empty bed, why am I so lonely? I know I can occasionally be over-assertive or perhaps come across as a little officious, but no significant relationships for seven years! Am I really that unappealing?

0630hrs – A breakfast of muesli and vitamin tablets. Some may call it “boring” but to sacrifice a high-fibre diet would be akin to digging ones grave.

0730hrs – I take my work seriously. It’s something my dad instilled in me from an early age; at least, he did before I was taken into care at the age of eight. “Take your work seriously”, he used to say to me, “and people will take YOU seriously.” It’s something I’ve rarely forgotten.

0800hrs – I arrive in the office and do a quick whip-round with the vacuum cleaner. I don’t like dust and I don’t like it when people call them “Hoovers”, mainly because to do so is to be technically inaccurate. “Hoover” is a brand name; it’s a simple matter of fact. People shouldn’t be so careless with language.

0845hrs – Preliminary inspections of the flats. On the whole students are pleasant folk, but you do get the odd “bad egg”. Oh, the stories I could tell about bad eggs! We once had this Slavic chap in H Block, Sergei I think it was; let’s just say he wasn’t too hot on his basic food hygiene. Not like me. You get taught a lot about hygiene on the hall supervisor’s induction course, one of the best weeks of my life. I met so many great people! Friends forever!

1025hrs – An incident in T6. I walked into the kitchen and simply could not believe the state of the place. There were upwards of five mugs left out on the table and at least two washed up plates on the draining board! How can people inhabit such SQUALOR? Naturally I left a warning note, everyone deserves their chance at redemption, but if they do it again the consequences will not bear thinking about. Some people accuse me of being 1) obsessed with minutiae and 2) anal, but a) the devil’s in the detail and b) I’m not into that sort of thing.

1130hrs – The first disciplinary meeting of the day. Last night two boys from R3 exposed themselves to one of the security guards, running amok near the family flats with just a can of Fanta protecting their modesty before setting off a variety of fireworks. This was a clear infringement of rule 143b, the regulation which clearly prohibits pyrotechnic-based nude frolics. Don’t get me wrong, not many people like a good laugh more than I do, but these boy’s antics were just plain foolish. I’m all for a spot of joviality, but there’s a time and a place for such boisterousness and a regionally-renowned centre of learning is certainly not it. These boys crossed the line not only in the eyes of the hall code of conduct but also in the eyes of the law. That is never acceptable. A fine of £200 per flat member was more than lenient.

1200hrs – Lunch. I usually have a couple of tuna sandwiches and an apple but today I treated myself to some Jacob’s crackers with Laughing Cow cheese (we all have our guilty pleasures!) before washing it down with a Penguin (mint one). I’m not usually so naughty!

1400hrs – I get zipped into my red jacket and go out on secondary flat inspections. The red Berghaus is, like a lollipop lady’s fluorescent jacket or the swastika armband of a high-ranking Nazi official, a visible sign of power and authority that instils respect and deference amongst the general public. As a hall warden I am required to exude a calm authority at all times and the distinctive, smart-casual nature of the red jacket can only help me achieve this.

1615hrs – We had some drama in Q block earlier when we discovered that one girl (who, because I am a consummate professional, shall remain nameless) had so many stuffed animals in her room that they were preventing her door from opening fully, a health and safety nightmare. WHAT IF THERE HAD BEEN A FIRE? The toys were a potential tinderbox and simply had to be removed. The girl was upset, I never enjoy stopping people from having fun, but I’d rather her room was bland and soulless than have to drag her emaciated corpse out of there after a serious combustion caused by a faulty domestic appliance. Saving lives is just part and parcel of the job. It’s what we do.

1800hrs – The way I see it I’m a friend to the students first, a warden second. One of the major appeals of the job is the opportunity to forge lasting bonds with the residents, obviously there’ll always be that professional barrier, but I’ve made some real friends in this job. Admittedly, not many of them call or write to me anymore, but whilst they were here we had great (STRICTLY PLATONIC) fun. Playing cards with a glass of white and not going to bed until 11:30pm is a bit naughty, but we all need to let our hair down once in a while! However, on a serious note, to let friendships get in the way of doing a good job would be a major sign of weakness.

2200hrs – The night shift begins. It seems most of the students are going somewhere called “Fuzzy Ducks” tonight, I don’t know what it is but it sounds hellish. Wednesdays can often get a bit rowdy, so it’s up to wardens like me to prevent breaches of the peace. I like to think that I would have made a good police officer, I’m certainly assertive enough and the students seem to respect me. One UV-clad young girl told me to “fuck off” earlier, an example of just how comfortable the residents are around me.

0100hrs – Just as I was climbing into bed I got a call from one of the security guards. A disturbance in Q block. You really do need to be a mentally agile, twenty-four hour person to do this job. When I arrived on the scene – complete with armed forces standard issue torch and Casio watch with glow in the dark face – it was clear that the situation was serious. One lad was being restrained by a security guard who was desperately trying to prevent him from urinating in the sink, whilst a girl busied herself drawing male genitalia in inappropriate places on a poster of popular girl band “The Saturdays”.

It was a metaphorical car crash. The pair were clearly inebriated and there was an upturned shopping trolley in the hallway; they’d broken almost every rule in the book. Some people have no respect. I used my highly-trained capacity for quick thinking and snatched the pen from the girl before wrestling the boy to the ground. I’m quite strong by the way. Unfortunately some urine splashed on the front of my jacket, but there are risks involved with this job and getting pissed on by students is something we have to deal with on an almost daily basis. When you’re a hall warden there are no half-measures, you go hard or you go home.

0200hrs – Finally I can get some beauty sleep. I hope I’ve given you an engaging insight into the line we wardens walk between serious crime-fighting and cautious familiarity on a daily basis. This is a complex job and it takes a special kind of person to do it. I may be a massively insecure individual, but I am proud to be a hall warden.

Documented by Christopher Mann