Facebook Etiquette

It was getting to that stage where I was finding the whole thing absolutely ridiculous. I was beginning to abhor each time I signed into Facebook to find 500+ new posts on my news feed and various notifications telling me which close to stranger’s birthday it was, which close to stranger had answered a “social survey” on me (despite probably not even in the knowledge of what my current hair colour is) or which close to stranger had also taken a quiz that claims to tell you “which cartoon character from 1996 are you?” that I had taken several months ago in a fit of boredom. I had two choices; the first; completely cut myself off from facebook, delete my profile, abandon a good 3 or 4 years of building up hundreds of pictures to tell the world what great nights out I have, hundreds of “contacts” who WILL get me places and hundreds of dreaded ‘groups’ and ‘societies’ whose pages I look at once, join and then never revisit again. Oh FAR too much work to throw away in a few clicks of the mouse. This left me with the only other choice I could think of; a complete facebook purge. And I mean in the sense that every. Single. Person. I. Do. Not. Talk. To. Needs. To. Go. Heartbreaking? Yes. Necessary? – For my mentality, I believe so.

Thinking I was clever, I decided to combine this revelation with moving to University... fresh start and all that jazz. So, I sat down one evening in my fresher’s week and went through and analysed every single contact. I found the whole process a lot harder then it initially seemed but I eventually managed to wiggle my way down to just under 80 contacts...which is good going as it’s approximately 1/5 of the “friend count” I have before. In fact, the number reminded me of a psychological investigation into the coping skills of human mentality and the community. It was found that on average, an individual can only cope with around 70 others at any one time in their life. However, I don’t wish to get into the technical side of “why facebook is weird”. I honestly believed, in my naivety, that this clearance wouldn’t affect anyone; I was under the impression that ‘no one would notice I was gone’. How very wrong I was...as one ‘deletee’ put it, I had “caused uproar”... and there was no going back.

It wasn’t actually until I went back home for my reading week did I realise to what extent was the damage I had caused. One relatively quiet Friday evening I was meeting up with my best friend for a few drinks in a local bar in my hometown when I noticed, let’s call him Fred*– however upon me smiling in recognition at him, he shot me a dirty look and then promptly walked to the bar. I sat in absolute confusion until my best friend nudged me and said “It’s because you deleted Sally*” who happened to be Fred’s girlfriend. “Oh right” I deliberated “but I never talk to her.” At which point it was explained to me that the point isn’t whether you talk to someone or not, deleting someone is like punching them in the face. At this precise moment in time my heart sank to the very depth of my shoes. This meant that I have punched several hundred people square in the jaw line and I didn’t even mean to.

The next morning, as I was walking to meet someone at a coffee shop, I noticed an old school acquaintance walking to towards me. Big smile, waving hand “Helloooooo.” I announced. Her eyes to the floor, she carried on walking. – There was only one thing I could think to blame for this reception but somehow I couldn’t; said friend had never actually BEEN a facebook friend of mine, so I could never have deleted her. It was all soon explain to me, again, by my ever facebook-knowledgeable best friend who pointed out that my mistake this time was not accepting a friend request; this simply reinforced my hatred of the things. If ever I received a friend request from someone I didn’t know too well but knew of, I would accept it and then forget about them (which proved very dangerous when I took into account the sheer amount of personal information one put on the site). However, after my facebook revelation and my new policy on friends I was yet to accept anyone because I was yet to have an invitation from anyone who I knew for certain I would talk to. Unfortunately for me, although there is no notification for someone declining a request, it is just pretty damn obvious when weeks go by and they do not appear in your friend list or when Facebook decides display in the right hand margin “Add (insert name here) as a friend!” So, I was in trouble for that.

Anyway, as my reading week progressed I started to hear more and more “Fred” cases, (which I personally like to call “Loyalty Deletions”) whereby people had deleted me as an act of allegiance to someone I had deleted. Which I guess, shows my original cause wasn’t working too well as theoretically, I should have noticed that they had gone. It is true that I do feel slightly bad for having offended so many people but I feel more bewildered by the hysteria of it all...does one website really have so much power over people’s lives? It is extremely frightening.

Looking back at it all I realised that maybe communication was the key, as another ex-contact told me “I don’t mind but it would have been nice if you have sent an inbox email explaining what you were doing.” This is a fair and justified comment. However, this is all very well if the person I am deleting understands the reason behind what I was doing, many people just saw it as me wiping them out and how do you explain to someone that you think that they are irrelevant enough to be wiped out?

This leads me to the only other option, and perhaps the one I should have taken right at the very beginning; to delete my whole facebook account. I proceeded to the “settings” page and then to the “deactivate account” button – with a click I thought it would all be over...how very wrong I was. Facebook proceeded to send me an email explaining that although nobody can write on my wall, comment on my pictures or send me a inbox message for the time being, if I decided I wanted to immigrate back into the cyber world then all I’d have to do is sign it and hey presto! All the information from my account would be reactivated. .. which makes resigning from facebook seem pointless. Facebook then sent me numerous emails over the next several days which took random contacts names from my list and stuck “misses you! Sign back up to Facebook!” after them. Facebook is a trap, a lifelong commitment.

Regrettably, I did reactivate my account after realising the pure convenience of it all. My mum and even my boss used to get in touch with me over facebook. Also, the sheer amount of events, opportunities and social going-ons that would only be advertised on facebook saw me missing out on a fair few things. Heck, I remember selling my car to a girl who saw it advertised on my status. I hate to admit it but facebook has become a way of life for this generation and unless you want to be left behind there is not much choice but to jump on the same bus as everyone else. I would say that I’m waiting for the day a book of “Facebook Etiquette” comes about so I can educate myself and then indulge in all the glory of it others seem to, but really, I’m just waiting for the day I get a phone call instead of a wall post.

*real names never used.

My Tough-Love Guide to Facebook Etiquette

I tried to make this guide as democratic as possible by setting up a “Facebook Etiquette” group on Facebook itself so genuine, real life Facebook users could give me points. However, one week and 500 members later I still had no suggestions. I emailed the members to prompt them. I received this in reply from one: “If you are going to be this annoying then I am going to leave your group” – yes I was bewildered at the madness of this but also grateful. I had my first point.

Rule No.1: “Do not make a group just to get fans”

Group War:There was a time on Facebook when you created a group which actually meant something; maybe you were a fan of a band or maybe you really did want to “Bring Back The Whisper” or have “Rage Against the Machine For Christmas No.1” (two infamous campaigns which consequently worked) However, now, Groups are starting to mean less and less. It’s all about how many fans a group has...you’d think the creators would be on some kind of commission...no, as I’ve been told, it’s just for an ego boost. Find another way to make yourself feel important and no, if you really were wondering, THAT sausage roll will not get more fans then Cheryl Cole.

Rule No.2: “Do not argue publically over facebook comments”

Status Revenge:This occurs when a facebook user is bitter about a comment posted to their picture, status, wall post etc and therefore takes it upon themselves to put an equally nasty/degrading/humiliating comment on the offender’s status/picture/wall post. It’s petty and publically announces that you are pathetic. Don’t lower yourself.

Rule No.3: “Do not use your status update as a therapy session”

Status Therapy:We’ve all seen it and we’ve all felt the cringe of reading someone’s desperate cry for help to the 300 strangers who will consequently read and take one of three actions

Care and comment expressing so
Not care
Not care and comment expressing so

If you are depressed, get professional help. If you are a little sad then have a good cry. Whatever you do, do NOT announce to facebook that your “life is no longer worth living” or something along those lines. You will only be made a mockery of and thus made to feel worse. (The same goes for sexist comments like “Guys are all dicks”)

Rules No.4: “Do not add/accept people you do not know”

The Stalker:Call me old fashioned but allowing a complete stranger to view even small aspects of your private life is dangerous. If you receive a friend request from someone you do not recognise but do not want to decline then send them an inbox asking them to prompt your memory. If you really are into strange men/women then for the love of God, please revise your privacy settings and have a good think about what profile viewers can and can’t see.

Rule No.5 “Know the limits when hijacking a friend’s account as a practical joke”

Facebook Rape:When a person or persons of whom the facebook account does not belong to updates the status with something crude, embarrassing for the owner of the account – “rapes” are usually of a sexual nature.

This highly politically incorrectly-named hype was definitely the most popular discussion in my “Facebook Etiquette” group. Most of the wall posts I received were something like “If a facebook page is found to be left unattended, in all cases it must be ‘raped’” However, continuing on my boring, prudish and lecturing style of this guide I must insist that you know your boundaries when “raping” someone’s facebook. Status updates, Occupations, Profile Pictures can all be raped or changed to something embarrassing. I.e. Occupation: Stripper. However, under no circumstances are you permitted to send messages to their friends/family or change their Relationship Status; these tend cause slightly more serious damage (which leads me nicely to the last section in this guide).

The Facebook Relationship

If there was a list of “Inventions Detrimental to Relationships” Facebook would win first prize. This is why I believe that The Facebook Relationship deserves a category of its very own. There’s the stalking your partner, there’s the wall posts to other people that make you jealous, there’s the public announcement of the end of the Relationship, there’s the “they’re still friends with their ex”, there’s over-the-top public displays of affection (cue: “I love you so so so so much my wittle wubby bear” *vomits*) there’s the “why is your status still set to ‘Single’?” , there’s the awkwardness about whether you should too delete your friends ex– It’s far too big a dilemma for me to deal with. It’s far too big a dilemma for anyone to deal with. Unfortunately, it needs to be dealt with. Unless you agree to not indicating anywhere on your profile that you are in a relationship – which has its own problems, please try to follow these simple rules:

Declarations of love are to be made in person or via text messages. Unless you want all your Facebook contacts to block your wall posts.
Following the Rule 1, please, please keep what goes on in the bedroom, in the bedroom. No wall posts of “You were amazing last night”. It’s disgusting.
Do not go through all your other halves friends sending them Friend Requests. Yes, you want to be a part of their life...but trust me, you won’t be for long when they feel like you are taking their identity. (Not only does this correlate with the not adding people you don’t know rule it also avoids the whole “should I/shouldn’t I delete his/her friends now?” if the Relationship ends.)
top being paranoid that they are still friends with their Ex. Unless you have evidence that they are...ahem...”cyber-cheating” on you then you have nothing to worry about.
Once the Relationship has ended do not start “hate groups” or post status updates stating how much you hate a certain person. If you are mourning the relationship see Rule No.3.
Do not argue over wall posts. You will only regret this later on when you realise your entire social world saw your relationship break down and crumble.
You do NOT split up with someone by changing your Relationship Status. If you follow one etiquette rule then it is this one. It’s harsh, unfair, embarrassing and it makes you look like a dick.

By Kate Byard