The Language of Lurrrve

Okay, so unless you’ve had a severely painful succession of brain numbing hangovers, which actually seems very likely…but anyways, you still must have noticed the sickeningly pink, cutesy and lovey dovey invasion of Valentine’s paraphernalia lurking around Oxford.

Indeed confirming that Valentine’s Day is upon the horizon, now this day is almost passable for those actually in a relationship, but for the single gals/guys out there, it’s that time of the year when multitudes of spoons are routinely purchased and the eye gouging commences.

Fellas, if you’re the guy who is frequently rejected for your drunk and fumbling ways, and also if you’ve been hit with any of these lines, ‘If it’s meant to be you’ll just guess my number’ and ‘Why don’t you just find me on facebook?’ then read closely because it basically means you’re either a complete munter or just shit at reading body language. And ladies, how about when you spend hours slurring to, or ’flirting with’ that fit guy from your course? Only for him to disappear to the bar/toilet/to find a friend and never return, leaving you completely on your todd and heading home kebab in hand, to an empty bed. So here are a few tips that will (hopefully) ensure that you get lucky on your big night out.

The important thing to remember is not to get too pissed straight away, now I know what you’re thinking ‘What?! But we’re students it’s in our DNA! I‘m just saying postpone the drunkenness, just for a little while. Wandering over or ‘accidentally’ knocking into someone you fancy ploughing while sufficiently tipsy but not wasted, allows a conversation to start and then you can proceed towards the tequila.

Now fellas always compliment your woman, it can be anything, clothes, eyes, hair, feel free to lie but it will make them feel all warm and fuzzy inside and let them know you’re interested. Ladies, subtle-ish flirting is best at first, slight touching on the arm or chest and lots of smiling and eye-contact will inform even the most retarded of men that you fancy a go. However, if your intended shag buddy makes a quick exit after initial chatting, leave it, you don’t wanna look desperate, even if the Jonas Brothers have done more horizontal surfing than you.

Secondly, dancing is vital in this situation. Dudes it gives you free reign to grope ‘til your heart’s content or ‘til something else is content…and girls, here’s your chance to grind to the max.

Now here is the time where post-dancing awkwardness can strike, but just power right past that, and ask your special ‘friend’ if they will walk you back to your halls, or if they want walking back to theirs, the hidden meaning here equals ‘Up for a shag or what?’ If they say no, then just accept it, you can always try again next time.

But if all is to plan then you’ve got that special, albeit slightly drunk someone back to your flat (now at this moment in time, consciousness is a necessity!). So then you’re thinking, what music will ensure the sexy times up ahead, a few suggestions from myself and various randoms include:

Marvin Gaye- Let’s get it on and Barry White- Can’t get enough of your love baby.

Also you may wanna throw some Luther Vandross and Lionel Richie into the mix, it’s all about the soul baby.

However, if that said inebriated person still hasn’t realised how the night is likely to proceed, it’s probably for the best. So just heave them out into the cold Oxford night. Vomit and sex are an unhealthy mix.

But what if you’re not in the clubbing situation, well...the sameish rules apply, just minus the alcohol and dancing. Tentative and subtle flirting, and by that I mean not launching yourself at someone’s face and ramming your tongue down their throat, like some crazed lunatic. Ask said person lots of questions and not the ones that include, what underwear they’re wearing or ‘how bout it then?’ that talk is I’m afraid, strictly limited to Fuzzy’s.

By Fionn Maclauchlan