What Your Gifts Say About You

February the 14

A day of religious association, seeped with emotion and intimacy? Or a commercial, westernized money-making scam? Feelings towards this day probably depend on which side you are playing for, team single, team couple or maybe team I-don’t-give-a-shit. Having somehow managed to jump onto team couple for the majority of my dating years (yeah I’m smug), I have been the recipient of a number of crappy gifts and cards. Do I sound ungrateful? Whatever. There should be a Valentine’s Day rule regarding cards; no poems, no sounds, no abnormal sizes and absolutely no bloody grey bears with faces like slapped arses. I don’t care if that bear was abandoned and that’s why it’s scruffy and sad, get off my card. In fact, if you are giving a card this year, go to a stationers, buy some red card, fold it in half and voila. That way no one has to pretend to appreciate the tacky, cheesy Clintons stock.

Ok, card rant over. So onto presents. I’m nice and anti-feminist on this one, boys buy and girls receive. At our age there is no need for Valentines presents to be deep and meaningful, just a little something for us to show our girl mates you remembered in a cool we-don’t-really-care-but-secretly-do-way. The most common five Valentine’s Day presents are listed below but what do they really say about the boy who gives them? What do I know you may ask? Absolutely nothing but I’m the one writing the article.

The Box of Chocolates - I’m sorry but crap. Everyone and their mum have seen them on offer in Tesco since December and didn’t they come with a bottle of champagne? Don’t buy girls chocolate boys, we’re still on a diet from Christmas and now you’ve given us a box of temptation, cheap temptation at that.
The boy who buys chocolates for Valentine’s Day only did so at the last minute cause he felt guilty rocking up to see you with empty hands. Discard him along with the box.

The Rose - A universal symbol of love blah blah blah, yes it’s boring and as clichéd as mistletoe at Christmas but the poor bloke has had to spend a tenner on one single rose to be wrapped in cellophane with a pink bow, some brownie points should be given.
Rose boys play it safe but have their hearts in the right place. Be wary of the boy who rocks up with a massive bunch, yeah its costs him loads but what a show off.

The Cuddly Toy – I know I am running the risk of sounding like an unappreciative slag but NO. We are not five years old anymore and especially no if it is holding a heart or says stuff when you punch, i mean squeeze, it in the stomach.
Boys who buy cuddly toys are immature and needy. Also the bigger the bear the smaller his penis.

Perfume - Lucky girl. Ok so it’s not about to win ‘most exciting present of the year’ award but perfume is expensive and a luxury not to have to buy your own. The boy deserves extra points if it’s your favourite or regular make.
These boys are sensitive and considerate with the potential to be a bit dull.

Jewellery – Normally saved for the long term couple, in fact be very creeped out if you’ve only been dating a guy for two weeks and he rocks up with a ring. Standard procedure is to drop hints regarding type, colour, and style to a boy if you’re hoping for jewellery as its a very individual choice and how they hell is he supposed to know you’ve gone off white gold necklaces and now like yellow gold bracelets.
If a boy gets you jewellery then he likes you, ‘nuff said.

At the end of the day we’re University students and we get that you’re broke, so we genuinely are ok with the homemade card and a bunch of flowers.

Considering boys get the short straw regarding the present hunt the least us girls can do on Valentine’s Day is put out. Now I’m not going to sit here and act all Carrie Bradshaw with the sex advice but a few simple rules should be acknowledged if you are going to reward the boy for whatever present he turned up with.

Matching Underwear – It does make a difference, colour is up to you, but plain black or white sets are underrated.

Suspenders and Stockings – Maybe this is common practise for you and your lover but yeah, kink it up. Added extras such as handcuffs, whips and chains are like jewellery- an individual choice!

He Wins the Position War – yeah so you’re probably going to end up in that so not flattering arrangement with your right leg behind your left shoulder and your left arm somewhere else but so what, he gets to go home and brag to his mates and you get some brownie points.

At our age, single or not, Valentine’s Day doesn’t need to be remotely depressing. Just go have fun with whoever makes you laugh, be it a boy, girl or a whole group of people. If your still single at 45, that’s when you wanna worry.

For other Valentine’s Day gift suggestions see Sex Shop Reviews

By Emma Whitford