Exercise.  Everyone hates it, fact (and anyone who says otherwise is just
trying to make you feel bad).  However, you’re not going to impress anyone
looking like you do – less Pussycat Doll, more Fat Cat with rolls.
 
BUT WAIT! Don’t pull out your credit card for that gym membership yet,
because The View has kindly invented the DIY-get-fit-quick regime for your
delectation.  Think of us as a young Arnold Schwarzenegger, gently
caressing your ears with our clipped German tones as we whip your saggy
bottoms into shape.
 
Problem: Kebab Kid Calves
Let us introduce you to a little thing called lecture hurdles.  You get in
to your 9.00 am lecture only to realise you have made a MASSIVE error of
judgement in leaving the safety of your bed.  You’re going to be sick,
you’ve not done the work, you’ve spotted that student that you cringefully
begged to “just take me home and hold me” last night.  Whatever.  You just
need to get out of there.  However, there’s no reason this can’t be turned
into a little athletic event.  Pick your moment carefully when the
lecturer’s back is turned and then HURDLE, upwards and outwards to the
fire exit of the lecture theatre.  As with anything, this takes practice,
and after a couple of goes you’ll be able to leap as gracefully as a
gazelle out of your personal hell to the envy of your fellow peers.
 
Problem: Kentucky Fried Chicken Wings
No one wants to be hit by a stray sweaty bingo wing while they’re raving
it up on the dancefloor, so for God’s sake keep yours under wraps and
follow this simple advice.  Next time your podgy fingers start tapping
away for a Tesco delivery force yourself to move your chafing legs down to
your local and carry your own shopping home.  Find this a little extreme? 
Start simple and TAKE YOUR STRAW OUT OF YOUR DRINK.  Just the simple
repetitive motion of table to mouth and the pounds are bound to start
slopping off.
 
Problem: Macdonald’s Egg McMuffin Top
The only sensible way to tackle that tsunami of flesh swelling over the
band of your too tight trousers is a strict diet and work out routine. 
But here at The View we are far from sensible, so what we suggest is a
round of dodge the bouncer in your club of choice.  Trust us, weaving
those giant hips through the crowd, trying to escape the wrath of the
angry bouncer who caught you fighting/smoking/getting your cock out will
melt away those full fat muffins into something a little more pleasing to
the human eye.
 
Problem: Domino’s Double Pepperoni Chin
A formerly obese student swears by this method of fat elimination, and
looking at her now perfect profile the evidence is clear.  Nothing is
going to tame your turkey neck like a quick gobble gobble (pun intended). 
That’s right readers, a fellate a day will keep the jaw jiggles away so
less swallowing and more….swallowing.
 
In the unlikely event you don’t emerge the other side of this gruelling
exercise routine with a body worthy of an international underwear campaign
then a) you probably did it wrong or b) there’s no hope for you and you
should carry on eating yourself into your early and oversized grave.
 
Hasta la vista, baby.

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