Mrs Blanche Slagharen

Mrs Blanche Slagharen speaks up for safe sexual health, geese and the ears of spaniels.

Since I’ve lived a life of high adventure and excitement, I thought it would be nice to share all this life learning with the young ‘uns. So, I rung up the good folks at The View from the Afternoon and offered them my cultured services. This time, they said I should write about sex and how to keep it safe. Now I’m not talking safe as in, ‘Lawks a daisy Willard! - use the feather not the whole damn goose.’ But I digress. I’m talking safe as in keeping you and yours healthy and happy.

Of course life isn’t that safe all of the time. I remember having a very fine Collegiate Sapphic Fling with a blonde called Betsy Sue. She was pretty, with a smile like a dropped pie on Labour Day. Anyway, thanks to Betsy Sue’s flimsy hygiene, within 6 weeks, half of Gamma Gamma Alpha Tango Niner were on antibiotics. And Betsy Sue, well, her shorts wearing days were over. Darnation, that woman’s spaniel ears were so swollen, every time she rode her bicycle, waist down; it looked like a rabbit doing a fancy handstand. The moral here is; young ‘uns, wash your sexual toys with warm, soapy water when you’ve finished using them. And hell, if they’re going into a variety of places where the sun don’t shine and the post ain’t being delivered; use a condom with them each time!

Since we’re talking condoms, you know in my day, my husband, Willard, God rest his soul, used to rely on damp sheep intestine and a cup of grits. Some days it was like making love to a Trucker’s breakfast. Anyhow, condoms these days come in the most incredible variety and free ones can be found at the Oxford Brookes Medical Centre reception area. Once upon a time, people were shocked if you bought them, but in these fair days of 21st century living, people tend to be more shocked if you don’t!

I just think condoms are the cat’s pyjamas, because best of all, condoms have the highest success rate of stopping unwanted pregnancies and preventing many sexually transmitted infections, including HIV. I can’t think of any type of contraception, other than cold water and distance, which is so super at both these things.

So, some advice about condoms; now, I know I’m a lady, so I asked Rodriguez, who is a dear and valued employee and also tends my shrubs and pool. His English is sometimes lacking so it took my good neighbour Lois and I a few afternoons to get the best advice out of him.

1. Pinch the tiny nipple end of the condom when you roll the condom over a penis. This makes room for your sperm, otherwise it may split. Also, make sure you roll the condom down to the base of the penis. This is so it doesn’t fly off into the pool or a lady’s eye.
2. Rodriguez suggests using water based lubricants such as KY Jelly, as oil based lubricants such as baby oil weaken the latex in the condom.
3. Baby oil and rubber rarely mixes well. Lois was oiled up to the nines so I shouted to Rodriguez that it was rubber time. But when I said rubber, I was being modern. Rodriguez and his crotchless rubber batman outfit were just a hazy streak of shiny manhood, as he burst through the boudoir door heading straight for Lois. He slid off her like goose shit through a tin horn. It took Lois, Mrs Brabanack and I all afternoon to get Rodriguez’s head out of the chest of drawers Momma left me.

So, my advice besides, don’t gamble on the dogs when you’re wearing rabbit skin trousers is simply this; respect. Respect yourself and respect others. If you take care of you and take care of the person you’ve chosen to share sex with, whoever that may be, you can look forward to a happy and safe sexual lifestyle.

For Further Information

If you’re worried about something, it’s always best to ask someone and being a student means that there are a plethora of people and advice provided by your university – use these facilities. But if you want to keep your privates’ private life off campus, there are Oxford City facilities too.

Brookes Medical Centre [Helena Kennedy Campus] provides free condoms they also have a range of useful leaflets and offer testing for Chlamydia.

For Oxford University students: http://www.ousu.org/welfare/student-healthcare

In and around Oxford:
http://www.oxfordshirepct.nhs.uk/local-services/cash.aspx
The Oxfordshire Contraception and Sexual Health service is provided from nine clinics across the county - the main clinic, the Alec Turnbull Centre (ATC), is located in Oxford, [details below] with eight satellite clinics located in Abingdon, Banbury, Bicester, Didcot, Kidlington, Thame, Wantage and Witney.
The Oxfordshire C&SH service offers services such as contraceptive advice, contraceptive supplies and advice around sensitive issues like pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. The consultations are strictly confidential and you do not have to be referred by a doctor or nurse.

The Alec Turnbull Centre
Oxford
First floor, Raglan House between Towns Road Cowley Oxford OX4 3JH
Opening times:
Monday -Thursday 9.30-7.00pm
Friday 9.30-4.00pm
Saturday 10.30-1.30pm
Telephone number: 01865 456666.

http://www.oxfordshirepct.nhs.uk/your-health/health-promotion/sexual-health.aspx

The Genito-urinary-medicinal (GUM) clinic is based in the Churchill hospital in Headington. Check out their website for further info.
http://www.wellsafe.org

Please also check out The Terrence Higgins Trust for more advice and diagrams: http://www.tht.org.uk

But whatever you do, don’t suffer in silence or put you and your’s at risk.